Lasagna One: A Garfield Story
by Lucas Filoni
Summary: Garfield must steal the Death Star plans in order to win a bet against Jyn Erso.
1. Chapter 1

_**Inspired by ShakespeareHemingway's Garfield series.**_

At Dex's Chain Diner in the middle of space, Jon Arbuckle and Garfield casually sit at a table, eating and drinking synthetic lasagna which has been awfully common in the galaxy.

"This Lasagna is garbage!" Jon says with disgust.

"It tastes like your sex life Jon, cold and dry" replies Garfield with clever one-liner.

"This is why we are on our mission to find a better delicacy. We have to find The Last L-" as soon as Garfield continued his impassioned speech, he is interrupted by Dexter Jettser.

"Hey Garfield! I got a message for you from the Rebel Alliance leader Mon Mothma herself. Why don't you come back to the kitchen and check it out?"

Garfield and Jon proceed to walk inside the Besalisk's kitchen as he replays the message to the protagonists.

"Garfield, we need your help back at the rebel base on Yavin. We are having trouble with our devoted leaders working together for a solution to take on the Empire. This new girl named Jyn Erso is trying to convince us to go on a suicide mission based on a false hope she believes in. Help us Garfield, the alliance needs you" said Mon Mothma with worry.

"Don't worry bootylicious bowl cut, me and Jon will be there as soon as possible." said Garfield with confidence.

Garfield and Jon set to head out to their ship but Jon stops suddenly.

"Wait Garfield, we forgot to pay the tab at the diner! Since it was really bad, we should sneak out and avoid paying" connived Jon with sneaky intent.

"No Jon, Dexter is a friend and the honorable thing to do would be to go back and pay your righteous dues," scolded Garfield with moral high ground.

Just then Dexter Jettster stepped outside and flips a dirty towel on his shoulder. "Don't worry Garfield, this meal is on the house!" said Dexter with respectful coolness

.

"Thank you, Dexter for your hospitality." said Garfield with humbleness.

Garfield and Jon get inside their infamous _Lasagna-Falcon_ which is meatier and bulkier than the Millenium Falcon. Garfield punches the hyperdrive, taking them into hyperspace, quickly reaching into the fourth moon of Yavin.

As they land in front of the temple, Garfield and Jon casually make their way to the meeting room and bust open the doors, revealing Garfield's seductive entrance.

"How's it goin rebel bitches." Garfield said to the bickering rebel leaders who soon realized whose angelic voice spoken in their presence.

"Oh Garfield, I'm so glad to see you!" says Mon Mothma trying to hold her sexual urges in front of Garfield's manliness.

"Garfield?! What in the world are you doing here?" said the whiny and hopeless Jyn Erso.

"Pipe down pale face, and why is everyone talking about ditching the alliance? I say we just take it to the Empire and show them who's the real man!" says Garfield persuading the rebel leaders because he's excellent at improvising speeches.

"I'm sorry Garfield. What do you suppose our plan is?" replied Mon Mothma with caution.

"Easy, let's have some 'negotiations' with you and your female leaders inside your private quarters." Garfield says with suave temptation.

The large masculine feline and several gorgeously aroused leaders discuss their "plans" in Mothma's quarters. Garfield carries multiple women on his shoulders as they head into a more private sector of the temple. "Don't wait up, rabbit teeth" said Garfield as he leaves Jyn behind. What seemed to be hours of constant rhythmic bumping of uglies and ogasmic noises, the male rebel leaders and Jyn awkwardly stand around trying not to make eye contact. Jon on the other hand watches the sensual scene as he's gotten used to this and has taken a recent admiration of his orange friend's stamina. After their intense negotiations, Garfield and the exhausted women leaders walk out of Mothma's steamy quarters as Garfield is the last one out with no sweat broken.

"Alright everyone, Garfield will be the one to lead the mission to retrieve the Death Star plans." said Mon Mothma with feminine exhaustion as she was taught a valuable lesson on hope.

"That's right, and I'll be needing the best damn crew I can get for this mission." explained Garfield in seriousness.

"But Mon Mothma, I have my own ragtag group of rebels who are willing to go on this mission and steal the plans from the Empire." replies Jyn in desperation.

"Probably because all your crew members are forgettable." Garfield says with comedic jab at Jyn, having all the rebels laughing at her. She grits her teeth in anger and points a forceful finger at Garfield's face. He is unfazed as Jyn starts to give the muscled cat an ultimatum.

"Listen here you protein infused ray of testosterone-"

"Thank you."

"I'm feeling pretty triggered and reckless today, so let's make a deal. If I get the Death Star plans before you, then you have to exile yourself forever" Jyn says in heated spite.

"And if I win?" Garfield retorts with interested smirk.

Jyn thinks for a moment, for she didn't think she would get this far with the far more intelligent Garfield in her wake. "Then you- uh...Then you can do whatever you want with me."

"Anything?" Garfield says a little bit louder so all the male rebel leaders can lean in and listen to the wager terms.

"Y-yes...Anything!"

Garfield scratches his prominently hairy chin and ponders for a moment. "Normally that would disgust me but defeating you would be the ultimate pleasure. You have a deal." Jyn reaches out for a handshake but Garfield fakes her out by swiping his fabulously flowing orange hair as he turns to walk away.

"Come Jon, we've got a wager to win" says Garfield confidently.

The two heroes get inside the Lasagna-Falcon and once again go into hyperspace from immediately flying from the temple thanks to Garfield's excellent mathematical calculations.

"So who are we having in our crew Garfield?" said Jon.

"First, I have to speak with an old friend of mine to see if he'll join us." says Garfield in sureness as they come out of hyperspace, arriving on the planet Earth located in the unknown regions. Jon looks out the cockpit window gazing at the endless rows of tall buildings that lay shoulder to shoulder making the sprawling city before them. They land on top of one of the monolithic structures.

Garfield steps out of the ship as Jon follows him, making their way to an apartment door on the 5th floor. The orange mass of hefty knocking hits against the apartment door to no answer. He looks at Jon in annoyance as he slams his fist straight through the door. A large scream of protest responds on the other side. "YES! YES! FOR PETE'S SAKE WHO IN YANKEE DOODLE'S PANTALOONS IS IT?!" A large eye and chiseled jawline appears in the new found hole of their flimsy door. "Oh...its yoooou."

"Hey Ken from the Bee Movie" says Garfield in casual.

"What brings you here in my secret fortress of solitude?" said Ken in inferior manliness compared to Garfield's.

"I'm here to collect that favor you owe me from Vietnam."

"That was a long time ago, cat. Back when we were in High School."

"Yeah, and I was captain of the football team. But that didn't save us from the goddamn draft."

"So what do you want from me Garfield?" says Ken with skepticism.

"I need a crew to steal the Death Star plans."

"You're kiddin, that's a suicide mission and I fought bees!", yelled Ken the occasional tennis player, "I'm in."

Suddenly footsteps can be heard from behind Ken inside the apartment. Ominous heavy breathing becomes louder as the person walks up to the hollowed door.

"Ken! What the hell happened to the door?!" yelled out a breathless old man.

"Don't worry about it Saw! I'm hanging out with my friend Garfield from high school!" Ken from Bee Movie casually yells out.

"Saw? Saw Gerrera? I thought he was dead." Jon said with curiousness.

"Garfield?!" Said Saw Gerrera and he quickly hobbles away.

Garfield opens the door with his manly yet graceful grips walking towards the man. He steps in front of the old man, making himself an obstacle.

"Garfield you bastard! Get the hell out of my way!" explains the scared man.

"How are you still alive you walking life support? You died in Jehda." replies the calm stud.

Gurerra takes a long sigh. "I wish I did…"

"I smell guilt at the fault of a female. Save your sob story. I just need some info from you so I can win a bet. Who do you know who is really good at the computer things. I can't be in two places at once." says Garfield.

"Very well. The person you are looking for is locked up in my secret dungeon located in on one of my bases in the outer rim." says Saw.

"Thanks Saw. I'll make sure not to tell where you've been hiding...yet." Garfield says intimidatingly at Saw Gerrera. "Come on Ken, let's make like the twin towers and jet."

"You know that's incredibly offensive, right?" Ken says in annoyed.

"You humans are all the same. No humor, like Jon" says Garfield. Jon responds by shrugging.

"Oooooookay. Garfield, before we leave, I need my signature weapons. " Ken says as he holds onto a cardboard box containing something dear to him. "You know what these are? These are my Wi-"

"I don't care about your erotic fanfiction Ken, now let's go." Garfield replies with annoying.

"OH COME ON!" roars the furious Ken.

"Wait Garfield, one last thing…" Saw glares into Garfield's eyes before they leave.

"Save the rebellion… save the dream."

"Yeah yeah cut the chit chat you lame-o-saurus." Garfield says with wit.

As Garfield, Jon and Ken from Bee movie leave the apartment they walk up to the roof to the Lasagna-Falcon.

"Where are we headin?" Asks Ken with wonder.

"For Jedha." Says Garfield in plot device.


	2. Chapter 2

As the crew break out of hyperspace, they see a dense brown hole on the planet's surface.

"I don't remember an asshole being on the surface of Jedha", Garfield speculates with curious.

"That's because it was just ripped a new one," Ken from Bee Movie said with disgustedly disgust, "something hit the city with enough load to bust a nut. Whatever it was... it had balls."

There was once a lively city before it's new geography was punctured. Garfield flies the ship closer to the bunkered hole of Jehda's crust. As soon as the _Lasagna-Falcon_ lands on top of the endless clusters of rocks and debris, the ship's door lowers down as Garfield, Jon and Ken from Bee Movie see the aftermath of Jehda City's tragic death. Our three heroes observe flat miles of nothing but dust, except a glimmering light shining onto Garfield's enhanced eyesight which is better than anyone else's in the galaxy. He pounces onto the reflective object which uncovers a strange collar from the piles of unearthed dirt. He holds it in his hands and stares at a metal tag intensely. A sweat drop slowly makes its way down his handsome face under the hot desert sun of Jedha. He lifts the collar up and turns to the group. Garfield then quickly throws it to the ground like he found a dirty bottle cap from a refuse bin and continues looking for more clues.

"Garfield what was that?" concerned Jon with concern.

"Huh? Some dumb dead dog died here." replies Garfield with stud.

"That thing you threw away, that looked like Odie's collar!" said a worrisome Jon.

"Oh yeah..." says Garfield in whatever.

"GARFIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELD! We must be sad moment for our lost friend Odie the Dog." Yells out Jon with human pain.

"Time will be wasted on a dead bitch, Jon. I have a bet to win" explains Garfield with indifferent. Garfield keeps moving and the group slowly follows behind.

The three heroes begin to look beyond the dusty waste of Jehda City's as nothing of uniqueness catches their sight including Garfield.

"We've been searching for hours Garfield, we can't find this secret dungeon!" says Jon with lost hope.

Ken approaches a giant steel door with signs pointed to it reading **'** _ **Saw Gurrera's Secret Dungeon (Do not open until destruction of Jehda)'**_. "This...This is a clue." says Ken in deductive reasoning. The group look at each other as Ken nods with approvingly yes. Beyond the sign was a giant metal vault door, seemingly untouched by the blast of the hole penetrating nut buster of a Death Star. Garfield steps up to the blast door and stretches his toned throbbing muscles of pure manliness. He winds up a massive flick to the door and it crumples like a burrito wrapper Garfield had the other day. "Easier than that burrito wrapper I had the other day", said Garfield with confidence of manly manliness.

The group sets into the vault and instantly gets the heeby jeeby feelings. The underground facility that Saw Gurrera had kept this whole time was a Bor Gullet farm. Rows beyond rows of caged filled with retched looking creatures. The smell was even worse except to Garfield who thought it was a dumpster from an All-You-Can-Eat sushi buffet. Everyone knew these creatures had died long ago. Further down the corridor of dark filled cages, a peaking light beams down onto a large figure who is chained like sexy bondage to keep them locked to the ground. He was fat…. REALLY fat. His short, black and curly haired head popped up to look at the group with his icy, spherical blue eyes. "Who in Oprah's greatest show of all time called 'Oprah' are you freaky dudes?" said the glistening fat boy in chains.

"Better question, butter boy, who are you?" asked Garfield with command.

The boy wiggled with fear as his fat and the chains rippled. "Oh JEEZ! I-I-I am Josh. Josh Nichols," introduced Josh Nichols from Drake and Josh, "I-I I don't even know where I am! I'm supposed to be San Diego! **SAN DIEGO!**...Did Megan set you up to this?!" said Josh with sass.

Garfield looked back to the group and they all shrugged so they decided to ignore it. "Listen here, we're from a friend of yours named Saw Guerrera." said Garfield looking at the strange position the boy has been put in, "Although I'm sure we can find someone else with the orange scrotum to do this job."  
"Ohhhh so you're with Saw?" Josh said with light amusement and a doofus smile that could make Garfield scream anger. "Why didn't you say something?" Josh says in delight as he casually removes all the complex chains of bondage off of him like a lubricated, which he is also covered in. Ken looks away as he realizes something unusual about Josh's fat physique. "GOOD GOD YOU'RE NAKED!" screamed Ken in girl.

"Wait what do you mean I'm-" Josh looks down to his protruding man boobs, "OH JEEZ!" He quickly covers himself with his tiny hands and waddles back and forth falling over his wet feet, covering himself in filth.

"Say, why are you even covered in that greasy mess? No way you could have done that yourself" Ken pondered with gagging horror.

"Let's try not to focus on the past…" Josh shamefully tries to not make eye contact in silence of the awkward.

"Why do we need him again, Garfield?" said Jon with disappointed.

"I can get you into any security code in a matter of milliseconds, I'm a master of disguise, know jujitsu, love Oprah and I'm also incredibly handsome in a sort of pity, beer goggles way" said Josh as a laugh track plays.

"Can your skills get us the Death Star Plans?" Garfield said.

"The Death Star? Garfield that thing in space is Spherical. **SPHERICAL!**... it's impossible to get the plans for it!" yelled Josh in fearfulness.

"Yeah and if we don't your lil' planet of San Diego is going to be nothing but Space Worm food," warned the manly orange cat. "Even worse, I'll lose my coolness points in a bet. That is not something worth losing."

"Alright! Alright!" said the dirt covered cellulite with whining. "I'll help you."

"Good marshmellow" said Garfield with verbal manipulation.

The group then make their way out of the vault with the greasy boy scrambling behind. As the crew approach the vault doors, a small voice perks up out of the darkness.  
"So where are we going, Garfield?" says the voice in confusion.

The group cautiously look around for any spies that could endanger their lives. Except for Garfield who stands with manly bravery and looks down at the source of the annoying voice.

"Who the hell SAID THAT?!" Ken says with Bee Movie rage.

"Oh sorry," said the voice, stepping out of the darkness to reveal a small gray kitten with black stripes, "I thought you knew I was here."

"When DID you get here Nermal?" Garfield proclaims with studness.

"I was fixing up repairs on your starship back at Dex's Diner until you suddenly flew off to hyperspace. I was stuck on top of the roof this whole time." said Nermal with annoying.

"Well go home then Nermal you're boring me" said Garfield with bored mood of non-amusement.

"Please Garfield! I heard what you have to do back at Yavin. I was there with you when you made an entire room of bittering senators your followers and made them believe in something for once when you were bed bouncing with Mon Mothma. And I want to help do my duty in the galaxy by stopping the Empire once and for all. All my life, I've just been this measly repair kitty with a cute face for two years now. The Empire never did anything good, for not only me, but for every other poor soul that tears us all down like prideful dominoes. We have been pushed around for so long Garfield, it's time to bring the fight to them. I'm here for you, friend, through thick and thin. Through my use of life and the fate of my death rests in your hands, comrade. For the galaxy... For the Force."

Garfield ponders about Nermal's thoughts, consenting to die for Garfield's meaty paws of righteous justice against all knowing tyranny of the Galactic Empire.

"Whatever."

"Really Garfield?!" Nermal jumps for irritating joy, "I promise I won't let you down-" But Garfield and his group had already left before Nermal could finish. "W-Wait for me Garfield!" said Nermal with excited panic as he and the fatboy Josh Nichols from Drake and Josh scampered together back to the ship. Everyone began to board the _Lasagna-Falcon_ one by one. Ken, then Josh and Garfield. However, Jon kept his two feet on the dusty rubble of Jehda. Garfield suddenly realized the stopping of Jon and he turned to face to his human companion.  
"Why have you stopped Jon?" asked Garfield with mild interest.

"I'm sorry Garfield, I have a date with Dr. Liz Wilson tonight at eight, and I don't wanna miss out on it." said Jon with time constraint.

"You mean that whore of saggy tits you call your girlfriend?" Garfield walks down and pats on Jon's inferior shoulder, "Jon... your pursuit of romance will always be futile."

"Goodbye Garfield." Jon says with thirsty sadness.

Garfield jumps in the air performing 800 backflips in under three seconds as he lands inside his cockpit with his other comrades…. except Nermal. Garfield had pre-calculated the coordinates and using his quick knowledge of where the Death Star plans could be, while doing his astonishing backflips, and punches the hyperdrive making their way to the planet of Scarif.

Meanwhile on the atmosphere of Scarif, a large black Imperial cargo shuttle secretly carrying a company's worth of battle-ready rebel soldiers, Jyn and her main crew of misfits: _Rogue One_ are stationed in the cockpit. They nervously stand together the ship comms in hope that their old passcode will give them entrance to the secret base on the planet's surface. The pilot proceeds to send the Imperial codes to the gatekeepers of a huge portal in the planetary shield. "You know there is a high probable chance this will be a failure," said the cool robot.

"It will work, I have hope." whimpers in constipation by the lame protagonist, Jyn Erso.

Every member waits suspensefully onboard for the results of the code clearance….one second passes by…. then two…. then three…

"I'm sorry but these security codes seem to be twenty years old. Guess we have to terminate ya. Goodbye now, Neo-Separatist scum." the Imperial officer snoots as their large turbo lasers aim at the cargo ship and blast it to smithereens.

The _Lasagna-Falcon_ casually flies up to gate with confidence as the Imperials watching begin to stare with awe at its unique beauty.

"Alright Josh, I need you to convince the gatekeeper to let us in. Can you handle it, twinkle fingers?" said Garfield with leadership.

"Don't worry Garfield, you can count on me." replies Josh with serious as he pulls out a pair of sunglasses that seem to be too small to fit on his face.

Josh takes a deep sigh and puts on his best disguising voice, "Hello? Is this the Chinese food store?"

"Why yes, it is. Is this for pickup or delivery?" says the Imperial officer in second job.

"It's for pick up. Let me just park this thing inside your store so I can get it." Josh constructively says with his quick wit.

"Sure thing, sir." The Imperial Officer replies as he opens the gate, letting the ship through.

Josh turns around at the crew as he pulls down his sunglasses a little, winking at his comrades, "We're in."

"You're still naked, fatty." Garfield says with keen observance.

"Yes. Yes I am." Josh says with laugh track.

Their ship finally lands on the the beaches of Scarif as Garfield preps his companions for battle. "Grab whatever weapons you need, I'll use these babies." Garfield says as he warms up his rippling, veiny muscles by doing 6000 one arm push-ups for each arm in a span of a couple minutes. As Garfield was exercising, Josh decides to keep his weapon of lethality, his hacker sunglasses by his side. Ken from Bee Movie on the other hand picks up a small cardboard box that he brought from his apartment. Nermal looks up at the wide array of blasters, thermal detonators and missile launchers at his disposal. The kitten reaches for a weapon before it was smacked away from the emasculated handsome orange feline that is Garfield.

"You're a weakling." Garfield talks down to Nermal as he already forgotten his name.

"All those weapons will mean nothing for you. You will need a weapon that will match your bravery and skill on the battlefield."  
Nermal pridefully puffs his chest and sticks his hand out only to be given a small plastic squirt gun. "What is this?" Nermal asks the demigod-like alpha male named Garfield.  
"It's you." said Garfield with witty wink in eye.

"But it's not even colored like a gun. It's neon pink..." says Nermal with confusion. Garfield had already walked away at this point so Nermal just took it as one of Garfield's insightful wisdom lessons.

"You're the best Garfield…" Nermal says with tears of happy, "I will fight with my life!"

The doors had slowly opened in front of the group. They were all lined up like action hero badasses before they went into a secret base to kick ass with guns and action. They all walked out onto the beach with no fear at all. However, something had changed the mood as fast as their entrance.

A sudden burst of screaming hot plasma whizzes pass Garfield, penetrating one of his now fallen heroes. He turns back to his group to warn them but it was too late. He now looks on to see a body on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

The fatally struck hero falls on the hangar doors of the _Lasagna-Falcon_ with a sizzling aura that coagulates from his heart. The blue sky that he observes progressively shrouds into a facade of blurred blackness. He was dying. One small inhale from the chest made it difficult to ingest the next lung filled breath of oxygen. An aftermath of scorching plasma eats through his cells as if it was a carved turkey he could not devour for his pleasure. "Garfield…. Help."

"No thanks." Garfield said as he walked away from Nermal.

"Go on without me Garfield...I'll be fine…I'll probably slow you down..." replies the coughing kitten as he tries to restrain the will to die. The suave looking orange cat forgot he was still talking but continues onward while Josh and Ken follow.

The crew approach the main doors to Scarif's security station of secrets and stand with heroic braveness except Josh who is more rounder (with emphasis to _ **ROUNDER**_ ). The silo doors began to roar open as a battalion's worth of well-trained stormtroopers stand as an obstacle. Ken from the _Bee Movie_ created by DreamWorks Studios and Josh Nichols from Nickelodeon's _Drake & Josh _created by Dan Schneider backs up nervously as Garfield strolls along with them to the side of hiding. "Oh no, guys. What are we going to do?!" whispered Josh Nichols. Ken sets down the cardboard box and removes the lid to reveal a pair of glowing gold silhouettes.

"Don't worry boys, I'll give ya some time to get inside." explains Ken with suspense as he slides his hands inside the box. "This one's for Nam, when all our buddies died. You know what's in this box? These…"

"Oh, here we go-" Garfield starts to brace himself against the incredible weight of Josh's blubber.

"These are WINTER BOOTS!", Ken screams out in battle cry as he charges the front line of stormtroopers, turning them into wet toilet paper, "COME GET SOME!" Like an enraged tennis player, Kenny goes berserk mode as he pounds each stormtrooper to a pulp with stealthy execution.

Nobody from afar hears the countless numbers of vanquished soldiers dying from the boots of Kenny's fists. He looks over his shoulder, looking at Garfield and Josh with blood-shot redness surrounding his pupils, "Leave now, before it's too late." Garfield and Josh take the opportunity to run past him and open the blast door to the next room. As Josh heads inside, Garfield turns back to look behind him. Kenny and Garfield stare at each other one last time with a slight nod. More stormtroopers spot and surround Ken. "Hey! You're not authorized in this area!" the bucketheads scream out. The two friends epically nod one more time as Ken screams out and throws his golden clad, leather sewn, Timberland winter boot at the door console. Garfield does a backflip through the closing gap just in time as the blast door seals itself. Once the doors are fully shut, a muffled but manly roar can be heard while continuous blaster fire interrupts him.

Garfield leans against the door with a stoic face of sadness for his brother in armed boots. Josh wobbles his way back and says, "Garfield! We gotta go!" Garfield then spits a hot loogie to the floor and makes his way into the Imperial facility.

As Garfield casually walks down the polished but blackened interior of the base, Josh immediately has his hacker glasses on and takes cover on each side of the corridor as they make their way. "Garfield, we gotta stay low and watch out for those pesky Impy guys. And why aren't you in a disguise?!" Josh says with sneak.

"I don't need disguises. Everyone already knows who I am." Garfield explains to the fat one as personnel meet and greet with Garfield's suave coolness like cold breeze on a hot pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni lasagna toppings.

The two spies continue their way around the facility. "So, what are we looking for, boy with fat?" Garfield inquires with keen detective-likeness.

"I DON'T KNOW, I WAS FIGURING YOU WOULD KNOW!" proclaims the bulging meatball.

"Well we can always check a database and download the plans from there." Said Garfield as a door slides open, revealing an Imperial officer in front of the two.

"What are you two doing here? This is a restricted barracks for officers only." the milquetoast man in a frumpy officer's uniform said to our two and one of them being handsome heroes.

"Well can't you see? I too am an officer just like one of YOU!" explained the nude hero only wearing hacker sunglasses around his eyes.

"Strange...I thought officers were supposed to wear their uniforms at all times?" The Officer said in British lame.

"I think you got it all wrong compadre. You see I'm allowed to wear this experimental cloaking armor, cleverly projected from these glasses to disguise my whole body. You may not see me, but I'm totally invisible right now!" Josh smirks while in his view, he can only see big black hardened armor surround his body, while everyone outside of his spectacles can only see his lardness. The manliest cat you have ever seen and the Imperial officer stand in awkward silence as the grease boy wiggles his jiggles in front of everyone. But then he suddenly stops, as if his whole body was getting frozen liposuction. He removes his sunglasses "Is that Oprah?! OPRAH?!"  
The officer turns around to bring into view of the Imperial propaganda poster of Oprah Winfrey's new talk show. "Oh that? Yeah it's jus-"  
Josh then belly dives onto the officer as he bounces off the now flattened face and lands with a wet sweat splash next to the poster. Garfield had to close his eyes for what Josh did to that poor Oprah poster but he knew it wouldn't be consensual. "Come to Joshy baby…. yeah I know you like that." Josh said in pure lustfulness for a fake picture of Oprah.  
"By all that is lasagna, Josh. We have to find the database." Garfield said with shielded eyes.

"Database? I have to alert the Empire!" the flat faced officer said with panic as he punches a red button under the side of the door as alarms go off throughout the whole facility.

"C'mon you glossy paper lovin' perv!" Garfield says as he grabs a hairy fistful of Josh's hair and slams him on top of the officer with a satisfying squish like bad banana.

Stormtroopers flood in as the doors open with speed, and open fire on the two heroes. Garfield sprints away from the chaos with his almost jedi like speed thanks to eating his raviolis in the mornings as times like these could happen. He runs into the vault room and sets Josh by a coding mechanism terminal to open it using his masterful hacking of the skills. Josh stares at the terminal, realizing the sheer complexity of buttons and lights in his view. He raises an arm up throwing his hand into the terminal as he yells out a "Hi-Ya!" and crushes the intricate machinery in half. The door of flooding stormtroopers seals close as the database vault swings open wide. "Back in high school Garfield, they had a name for a master hacker like myself."

"What would a silly name like that be?" Garfield bothers to inquire as he snaps a few stormtrooper's necks with cool swiftness.

"Master Maguku"

"What?"  
" **MAGUKU.** "

"Oh…Whatever."

"You see Garfield, I don't know anything about computers. All I can use them for is to chop them in bits like PIECES OF SUSHI." said Josh in Karate.

"Can you do me a favor, Master Ma-Shitzu and not say that again."

"No worries Garfield. It's not like I'll die or anything" Josh foreshadows.

"Yeah that would be a waste of a beloved character and time." Said Garfield in slight author's note. Soon the terminal began to make wild beeping noises. "What's that?" asks Garfield.

"Either the Death Star plans have been transferred to the dish at the top of the facility," Josh speculates as he puts an ear to the fried console, "Or I need to hit this again."

"No need," Garfield rolls up imaginary sleeves of badass shirt, "let's go win that bet."

Once when the vault doors slowly open, Jyn Erso stands behind the entrance, holding the Death Star plans in her pale hand. "It's you, rabbit teeth." Garfield said with masculine authority.

"Haha Garfield, you can't have the plans because I am about to win the bet you orange stud-"

"Thank you. Again."

"Shut up! I hope you like your pasta in EXILE!" Jyn evilly laughs like dying dolphin. She runs off but suddenly slams into Director Orson Callan Krennic, of the Advanced Weapons Research in the Galactic Empire, making him fall and whimper. "Owie! That weally hurt!" Krennic screams childishly while his personal bodyguards, The Deathtroopers, slowly scamper away from avoiding embarrassment.

"Well well well, if it isn't Baby Orson Welles Krennic" Garfield smirks to himself.

"You a big meanie Gawfeeld! I'll keel yoo! You stoopid poopyface!" Krennic says while trying to draw his blaster but only pulls out a pacifier.

"I wonder if I should kill this baby?" Garfield ponders.  
Krennic sits on the ground, rubbing his head as he screams in tantrum from the constant failure that he is.

"Well on one hand, he is a big bad guy and nothing would bring me more pleasure than beating him into a pulp like Gerber baby food. But on the other hand, he is an infant. What should I do?" Garfield asks you to refresh the page until you see his decision.


	4. Chapter 4

As Jyn hastily rushes her way upstairs to Scarif's Communications Tower, Garfield and Josh follow her with sprinting speed of walrus thanks to a particular hero who loves Oprah. Jyn runs up to the seemingly endless rows of stairs to climb so she can download the plans to the Rebellion. She finishes the final flight of steps, looking down to see if the two protagonists had caught up to her. Surprisingly, the handsome and obese heroes were nowhere in sight. Jyn smugged in smuggly fashion like doucheface as she turned to the catwalk leading to the communication tower hub. "Hey rodent, you look like you're going somewhere." called a familiar, silky voice in the thick ocean fog down the bridge. Affirming her fears, the weary, jigglying Josh steps out of the fog with his cool shades on his face. Jyn stands confused as Josh continues to stare at her with heroic presence.  
"Uhh...do you know you're naked or?" Jyn points out at the mass that coats the boy from **San Diego**.

Josh stares down at his mashed potato body and shrieks like banshee getting enema. "GARFIELD! You could see me this entire time?!"

"Unfortunately, yes", Garfield answers as he steps out of the fogs as well, feeling this was the right badass moment to do so.

"Garfield?! How in the meaningless character development were you able to get up here before me?"

"I took the stairs like you, Star Dunce." Garfield says with suave jokester attitude.

Josh then winds up his masterful karate chop onto Jyn's neck but sadly misses his target as he falls onto the floor, giving the female a chance to make her way outside. Jyn leaps over the rounded obstacle while Garfield watches, waiting to plan his attack as he lets her go towards the tower hub. Jyn rushes towards the console as she rapidly starts typing getting the Death Star plans downloaded.

"Wait a second Jyn. Think about what you're doing!" Garfield pretends to be emotional moment with Jyn's womanly feelings. "Think about your father…. Think about your uncle...Bail Organa."  
"Senator Organa isn't my uncle you fool, everybody knows that...Right?" Jyn said with self-doubt.

"You're wrong, because I showed a picture of him holding you in his arms when you were a little rabbit." Garfield explains stalling time as Josh worms his way over, hoping his cloaking technology can help him in this time of need. He begins making his way over to the now defenseless Jyn, stealthily scuttling over to the Death Star Plans.

"This…. this isn't right, you're LYING to me Garfield!" Jyn angrily screeches out.

"You calling me a liar?" Garfield says.

"Well I ain't callin' you a truther!" yells Jyn.

"Hey that's my line!" Josh protests in large defiance but quickly slaps his mouth with idiocy from his mistake. Jyn unholsters her blaster pistol, firing it into the fat one's ribcage. Josh's entire world spins around him with shades of black, darkening with each lap. He's becoming woozy, rolling over onto Garfield's manly boots of masculinity, leaving trails of blood against his graciously erect legs. "Garfield…GARFIELD!" whimpers the quivering Josh Nichols in dying voice. "Hug me Brotha!" He desperately holds onto garfield with little life that is left. His grip loosens, slipping off the burly feline.  
"Sorry, Hometown Buffet," Garfield places his massive boot on the side of Josh's greasy side, "I don't roll that way." Garfield gives him a slight push and Josh plunges his way down to the boot covered sands, impacting a minor earthquake to the planet as Josh is now one with the force. Garfield kisses his rosary as he gives a silent prayer to his fallen comrade.

"Hasta la vista Josh Nichols from, Dan Schneider's _Drake and Josh_ : the series on Nickelodeon."

Jyn points her gun at Garfield, "Funny thing about shooting your friends. I was the one that shot Nermal! I killed him to slow you down knowing you'll always leave death in your wake. Everything that you do will lead to everyone you know suffering by your hand. You are alone Garfield and always will be. You sexy cat."

Garfield stares into the abyss below. Everything up to this point was at the cost of his closest compatriots. He slowly closes his eyes and shakes his head with grief. He knows he'll have to say something to her soon. Garfield opens his shimmering green eyes as he turns his stoic, godly-created beauty of a face to look at the antagonizing Jyn. This was it. Here are the final moments to share one last piece of sage old advice to anyone who will answer his question.

"Who's Nermal?" Garfield says with confusion.

"AMAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Garfield and Jyn look up to the sky, hearing a distant but loud echo. Suddenly, they see a bright meteor streaking through. It reveals non-other than Jon Arbuckle into their view, screaming in space. Like a powerful missile, Jon manages to punch a hole right through Scarif's orbital shields like a rocket. But he wasn't done as his flaming fist was aiming at Jyn Erso. Jon forces a roundhouse kick in the air into Jyn's ugly, bucktooth face causing her head to turn 1,800 degrees like an owl, spinning its head like crazy while choking on rat teeth. Her body flings backwards into the wall, popping out the freshly oven baked Death Star Plans into Garfield's hands. Jyn's lifeless body slumps to the floor and slips on the river of deceased grease off the catwalk into a wet unmarked grave. Garfield takes a deep breath off the steaming, fresh plans. "You know," Garfield says with relaxed sigh, "they just don't make plans like they use to."

"No time for jokes Garfield. You're lucky I got here in time to help you." Said Jon with convenience.

"Oh yeah Jon, how'd your date go?" Garfield said.

"I don't wanna talk about it Garfield."

"Considering you came early, I take it that it was down in the dumps, just like your choice in women." Garfield banters with banter.

"Alright Garfield, you have the plans. Upload them to the Rebels so you can take the credit for your mission and win the bet." Jon eagerly says.

"Not just yet…I still have some 'plans' of my own." Said Garfield as he looks over to Jon.  
"What are you scheming up now, Garfield?" Jon says with worry.

"Thought you would never ask. See, I'm going to use the one thing the Rebels need to help me find something I have been searching for a long time."

"You mean-"

"Of course, Jon, you idiot. What do you think I was talking about?" Garfield takes out a map and splays it on the bridge floor, "Now I'm going to say my extremely long and complicated plan to escape the tower and get back to the ship." Garfield then takes out a communicator, "but first, I gotta call an old friend with pasta benefits."

Meanwhile, above the planet, hovers an ominous sphere with a dented bowl like grey toilet, targeting upon the planet. Inside the giant moon-like sphere, a fearful but old Imperial officer looks through a bird's eye view projection of the battlefield, a young naval officer slowly approaches him with caution. "Grand Moff Tarkin, sir. We're receiving an emergency transmission from Scarif." says the officer.

"Not him again." replies Tarkin in annoyance as he changes channels on his projector. "Krennic, what do you want this time?"

"Gawfield stole my Death Star Pwans! WAAAAHHH! WAAAAAH!" cries Krennic in baby monitor. "Grand Mommy, I want my pwans back NOW!" screams Krennic in baby monitor.

"Garfield…." Tarkin takes a step back as his face suddenly turns into fear knowing who that luscious name belongs to. "No... he can't be."

"He is Grand Mommy! I need those pwans back PWEASE! WAAAAH! WAAAAH!" cries Krennic with baby-like-childness.

Grand Moff Tarkin looks over to his officer, "Terminate this transmission and get me a battlefield zoom on that blasted cat! Now!"

"Y-yes sir!" the officer quickly shuts off the ear-splitting crying to show a communications tower and orange dot on the side.

"Officer, zoom in on that orange object," Tarkin orders with order hoping to not see what he thinks it is. The image gets closer but it still resembles the quality of McDonald's tacos. "I'm not loving this, officer. Keep zooming!" Tarkin pleads as the nail biting tension reaches an all-time high as the zoomed picture comes into focus. What is shown would shock any man, it made half the crew who even glanced at the screen to faint in horror. Tarkin almost succumbed to passing out himself if it weren't for his years of training and iron grip will to save him at the last second. It was Garfield alright and he was . .  
"By the Emperor sir…" the lowly officer struggled to say like a bird caught in a plastic container, "What are we going to do…. with beauty such as that?!"

"Fire when ready…"

"I'm sorry sir?"

"You may fire when ready, Officer."

"But sir...our own men are still stuck down there-"

"Must I repeat myself?"

"... Understood sir…."


	5. Final Chapter

As we return to our heroes back on Scarif, Garfield finishes up his secret conversation with important person man (or woman) of the Rebellion for help. Garfield and Jon stare at the behemoth size of the deadly space station upon them. Jon stares at the sky with deep wimpy emotion of more sad as there isn't any hope left to overcome this situation.

The two sex icons and Jon watch as the Death Star activates its powerful weapon with multiple streaks of bright green, unifying at the center of its dented thunder bowl. The brightful blue sky ascends to an ominous yet powerful shade of bright green spelling doom for all those in its wake.

Jon points to the sky in horror, "Garfield! That planet killer is gonna kill the planet!"

"Not by the hair of my chinn-y chin chin, Jon." Said Garfield in determination of masculine nursery rhymes.

"What are we going to do then?" John said with question.

"I-"

"Whatever you need Garfield."

"I-"

"I'm right here for you to aid you in this perilous time!"

"I-"

"I swear to you that I am here for the safety of you, me and all those that have fallen before us to make sure victory is upon us!"

"Shut your virgin-ous mouth, Jon." Garfield finally said to quiet the white man named Jon Arbuckle, "I was going to say I don't know."

"...You're kidding right?" Jon asked with confusing confuddlement

"It's true, I knew I would get this far but I never thought the Empire would risk this much for a drawing." Garfield plomps his thicc meaty glutes on the catwalk and stares down in shame.

Jon quickly turns away with feminine tears and mascara streaming down his face like Jon after first date. He quickly tries to come to terms with their new-found fate. Until an idea spurts into his mind, giving him the warm comfort he desperately craved for. "I know what we can do, Garfield."

Garfield looks back up to Jon, "Is it an idea that was described like sex?"

"What?! W-well maybe," Jon said like sexuality questioning, "I want you to throw me."

Garfield pauses as his eyes affirmed fixed on Jon like truth detector tester. The bulky man meat that is Garfield stands up and smirks.

"I knew you would see it my way." Jon said with acceptance as he turns around and crouches into a ball like droideka with carpal tunnel.

Garfield picks up Ball-Jon and spins around like the deadliest single tornado in US history, The Tri-State Tornado of March 18, 1925 and shot puts Jon directly towards the massive Planet Gatter. "Good luck you virgin." Garfield said with wily musings akin to the great philosopher Mark Twain, "This was exactly my plan to make you have this plan." Garfield chortles likewise elder as he picks up the plans and jumps off the tower.

Jon makes precisely 80 million side flips in the sky until he reaches the brink of the atmosphere, coming face to face with the round-like machine of the Death Star. It unleashes a powerful laser that is more powerful than your average powerful laser onto the tiny human. Jon feels his skin and clothing burn off his body like sizzling bacon on a Tuesday. The sheer force of the laser attempts to push Jon to the ground. However, Jon stays in the air, holding the might of the deadly laser between his new-found power hungry, muscled breasts.

Garfield falls down the large communication tower and smoothly lands his boots into Jyn Erso's cremated body as it's now a fine dust to his highly scented nose.

Garfield sniffed the air once to belittle his defeated foe, "Smells like someone burnt the Turducken."

As Garfield scans the horizon, he notices that a beach covered with sand and palm trees were now tainted with mountains of dead stormtroopers and destroyed Imperial war machines. Garfield started to examine the works of an artist who formed stacks of bodies and vehicles into neat corridors for him to easily get to his ship. Just as Garfield continued walking casually, the light of the sun beamed down from the green shattered clouds, only to reveal Kenny's blackened corpse. He seemed to be at peace with himself as he was lying down with his eyes closed along with a pleasured smile on his face. The only thing that wasn't smolded by any blaster fire were his favorite pair of worn out winter boots. His hands stuck inside them like a few things Garfield did on Yavin 4 with the female leaders.

Garfield shakes his head in a way the noble samurai would greet a fallen Spartan on a battlefield of other cultures that value war as an honorable practice. "I will commit the most vengeful vengeance for all my fallen compatriots." Says Garfield roaring to his fallen action hero friends like sad war movie. He finally arrives to the _Lasagna Falcon_ , seeing that it's still in its beautiful physique. A little paw raises in the air as Nermal whimpers for Garfield's help.

"Garfield…...I'm still here." Nermal coughs bloodied words in his constipated voice of dying.

Garfield passes by Nermal, still making struggled gasps for oxygen in his fluid filling lungs, forgetting his presence was even known at the start of battle. He too precisely makes 80 million side flips to his seat and flies the ship into orbit. Nermal watches the _Lasagna Falcon_ go away from his sights. "G…..Garfield? Well...okay I guess I'll see you later, bud." Nermal's voice fades as the blood loss becomes too great from his weak inferior little body.

Jon sees Garfield taking off to space. He takes a deep smile and breath, knowing his deed today will be not forgotten about 34 years from now, and releases a mighty battle cry that even Garfield can hear.

" **FOR JEDHAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
** The words echoed throughout the span of the galaxy.

The last moment Garfield sees is the blast of the Death Star pushing down Jon into the planet. He witnesses the erosion of the surface with clumps of asteroids wandering the vastness of space. _Charlie Puth [No Rap Version]_ plays into the background of the _Lasagna Falcon_ as Garfield holds his gay feminine emotions together, because it is for gay people and he's not one of them.

Just a minute earlier, The Imperial officer whose duty was to guard the gate of the planet, ponders about how successful he is at his job. His entire body shakes and looks through a window to see the sphere of the planet's surface exploding second by second. His mind grows panic. Heavy anxiety kicks in his mind like a horse's hind legs into his brain. He realizes he will die. His final thoughts come to him before his moment of death.

"Wait a minute...this isn't the Chinese food store! **MOTHERFU-** "

Garfield casually crashes the _Lasagna Falcon_ in the hangar of the _Profundity_ frigate. He levitates out of the cockpit like Criss Angel Mindfreak magician and steps his feet onto the tile floor of a ladies' restroom. Several women inside are all simultaneously clapping and cheering in their stalls as Garfield walks to the connecting corridors of the frigate. He casually walks down the hallway with one mission in his mind as rebel soldiers run passed him in panic. "Why are you running you cowards." Says Garfield with cockiness. The connecting corridors soon divide by a sliding door as a few rebel soldiers and the god bod cat are locked behind it. The troopers desperately use all their inferior might to open the door at once to escape. "What children. Let a man with testosterone show you how it's done." Garfield says in his justified arrogant coolness.

Garfield senses somebody's presence behind him, a presence that overboils with angst in a microwave burnt bag. A sudden ignition of a red lightsaber illuminates the corridor. The Rebel soldiers know who this person is and shit their pants in unison. Garfield defiantly confronts the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader with his superior badassery. He looks up and down his black outfit, teaming with complex gadgets and nods approvingly. "Not bad for an old man dressing you, Sky Guy…. Or should I say Ana-"

"Garfield!" Darth Vader calls out in a serious tone that would intimidate lowly rebel soldiers but not Garfield. Vader comes a bit closer to him and whispers, "Listen man, this is a pretty good gig for me ever since my wife died. So, can you please do me a favor and not ruin this for me? I know we were friends in the Clone Wars but I'm trying to rebrand myself now to cover up some cringey shit in the past. So, I'll tell you what, Garfield. I'll let you go because you were the best man at my wedding on Naboo. But I am gonna needs those plans from you."

"Believe me, I'd do it if I could. But, I made a bet with a girl I killed just so I wouldn't see her naked." Said Garfield in explaining the goal for this story.

"I understand Garfield. Just let me murder these pathetic excuses for men and I'll let you go." Vader says in a little too much excitement only Garfield can hear.

"Sounds good to me." Garfield says with agreement as Darth Vader pushes the door open with his force powers, only enough to let Garfield's large burly body enter.

Garfield walks past the dumbfounded rebel troopers and lets Vader lock the blast door behind him, leaving them to be slaughtered in spectacular fan-gasm fashion.

Garfield busts into the bridge of the Tantive IV, smacking a woman in a long white dress on the ass with the Death Star plans. "Buenos rancheros, Princess. " Garfield woos with strong yet easily aroused Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan.

"Ooo! Garfield!" cries Princess Leia in insta-wet estrogen. "I didn't hear you come in."

Garfield immediately picks her up in his strong arms, carrying her over to her quarters. "I know, bitch. I'm Garfield. Did someone order some Death Star plans with a side of orange hunk?"

"Mmm you know I love Chinese food, Garfield." Leia winks at Garfield with seductive sauce "You have helped us all and completely embarrassed that skank Jyn Erso. There is no proper thanks to give you that could measure the Rebellion's appreciation except for my body." Leia says in female arousal.

"Sure thing, cinnamon buns… now let's get to frosting."

 **THE END**


End file.
